I am 20!
Hello!
I have never thought I will be writing
this!
I even have never imagined that I would
make it to my 20 years! It feels so true now!
I am writing this only few days before my
birthday, and deep down I know that it would feel so different reading this on
the ninth of March!
I really don’t know from where to start,
all I have in mind is that, a few months ago, I started feeling like I was a
whole different person, with so many different attitudes, a different
personality and very different perceptions, different interests and different
people around!
I think that’s what they call “growing up”
it feels so different, everyone!
I really feel like so many of you will
understand what I am talking about! I can tell that so many of you have already
been there, where they feel their life is just changing and they are fine with
this change because they have a deep belief that it is going on the right side.
Coming to the point of analysing your whole
past, to me it is 20 years! I really wanted to go back to my entire childhood
and teenage.
It felt so unfamiliar! I have never had a
wild childhood , I have always been a calm kid , I didn’t play outside as much
as kids of my generation did, as for thoughts, I have never shared the same
ideas as people and I have always been the square in a set of a thousand
circles!
This made me go through so many problems as
I remember, and until now I believe that the toughest feeling in the world is
the feeling of difference, not to go
with the flow and be your own flow, it is such a pride to me that took me a lot
of things, but now I am proud of all of it.
Looking back and forward I can see how much
hard things I overcame, I must admit I am a strong woman by now, thinking of
it: I have never thought I would overcome whatever things that happened to me
but I eventually did! And that means nothing but the fact that I was strong
enough to destroy all of these obstacles.
I have had such a heavy weight on my
shoulders that I am not ashamed at all of saying, from being slightly bullied
to being hated to being ashamed because of my size back in the days.
At a certain stage of my life my self
confidence level was at a solid 0/100. I could barely talk to people or ask for
things or even defend myself, I was a dependant person for a very long time.
The journey was truly hard to stand on my own and fight it all. The road was
full of roses, yet rocks, and “too faced” people!
It is such a funny thing now remembering
people from my past and how I used to see them and how I see them now, I pity
them in a terrible way!! Karma is a true savage ahah! It made of me someone
that I have never thought I would be, I now can be me and do me , I gathered
the courage to say no everyone! Always remember: never say maybe when you
simply can say no.
And back on my body shaming, I remember
this green-eyed guy who literally called me : Chambre à air , referring to the
area gathering air in tyres, as I had a round face, a medium height and a full
body .
I used to get red when I run, and get out
of breath, everyone made fun of me because of that but no one actually
questioned my health, which was troubled back then! Recovery was a mental
process rather than a cardiovascular one, living with a constant fear of having
diabetes or having a heart attack because I was described “ obese” by
specialists. Starvation took a big portion of my life, I thought it was the
solution, and I did myself worse, and luckily I got back before catching any
dangerous sickness.
I then remember coaches putting me on the
run!! I was running and running until I fall dead, headaches and stomach-aches;
I had my heart literally burning for days, at the age of 13!! Where I wasn’t
even supposed to make harsh physical activities because that would cause me a
straight heart attack! But who cares!!
6 years later here I am! Fit and healthy ,
I can’t be more proud of what I overcome and how hard I worked on myself, how
many desires I gave up on, how many people I am thankful I no longer have their
poison around! And look! I am PROUD, just because I did things myself, with no
help and no shortcuts, I cried and felt frustration; I felt lonely and not
supported by anyone even the closest ones to my heart! It brought me to tears
everyone!! It is so hard not to be supported by the ones you thought they would
hold your back no matter what, but once you get where you want you feel thankful
as no one interfered in your achievement, you will feel happy you did it
yourself, on your own, what four or five or more people would have given you:
you gave it to yourself, through will and patience.
I still remember the day one at the gym; I
couldn’t do a single pushup! I cried as I felt sad of my very weak body, I did
a seven minutes run on my first day at the gym!! I couldn’t do beyond, although
I had my coach telling me that it is fine for a beginning, but I wanted more,
deep down I knew I could do more! What I didn’t know is that it would take
time, but now I know it, and I give myself full time, to perfect my work and
accomplish things more professionally.
Dark November of 2017 was such a changing
period in my life, I am thankful for all the bad things that happened in that
month, as since then, I didn’t cry hard, I am only dropping tears, it felt back
then like the world was going to an end for me and I never thought I would be
able to restart. That word was absent from my mind back then, everyone!
Uh! Such a long way to come! Everything
changed so hardly but smoothly and now I am achieving what I have wanted for so
long, despite all the hardships that still exist, I am proud of what I did so
far, I am proud of my self-love, my new attitude and manner of thinking, my
hobbies and interests and eating habits.
I am so proud of the clean souls
surrounding me now, I am really happy with my social media engagement and how I
receive constant messages from people praising my work. I can’t be more thankful.
I now wake up to hope, even things are doing so bad! I try to think of
alternatives, how to avoid this negativity. Fighting!! Because it all will end
at a certain point, just as everything from the past, these things will become:
The past.
I am really thankful for the fact that
Allah gave me strength to continue fighting, I am really thankful to all my
prayers that were heard and approved, and my love to Allah led me to loving myself,
a small bracket everyone: never give up on your prayers, Allah hears us all the
time, and he is so close, just call him with a clean pure heart and you shall
see how merciful and powerful he is.
I know this is already so long; I am
letting my heart out, really!
I won’t put this text under any sort of
second reading or grammatical rectifications , what matters for me is that my
feelings would get neat to anyone reading these words, I really hope you would
find hope and inspiration in this. And to anyone feeling unmotivated and lost,
believe me the way is still long to go, and these hardships are just the
surface of the thing, you have to dig deeper to see what the real drill is,
believe in yourself, and love yourself.
Don’t love anyone unless you are sure you
gave yourself what you truly do need, attention and affection, trust and
belief. Once you touch all of that in your soul, you shall embrace whatever
else. And to me, I decided to embrace souls now, not people.
I shall take no guy for a lover as I know
now how things would turn in a blink of an eye. I will admire beauty, music and
nature; I would admire my blood, sweat and tears. I shall make these three my
pride in life.
I shall bleed to get what I deserve
I shall sweat to taste sweets
And I shall cry of pain, because just as I
said, and believe: a place worth being in doesn’t have shortcuts.
____________________________________________________________________________
I hope you enjoy this very long blog post,
I thank you so much for your interaction with my last post, it means the world
to me , Bless you all. This pushes
me always to do better and better every time.
I love you all. Randa.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Instagram : @randadriss
Twitter : @Randa_Driss
Snapchat : @randamd
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