10 YEARS A HIJABI!!
Hi everyone!! How’s everything going? I
hope you’re all doing great while reading this!!
It’s eventually September which means that
some or probably most of you are back to school already! Which is really
exciting! I personally am super bored at home and I want to get started with my
last year at college already!! I wish all of you endless success!! Focus on
your ultimate goals and remember that the road towards success is success
itself!
For those of you graduating like myself:
FIGHTIING TT , I know it’s going to be hard but y’all got to be thick to fight
it and wear that graduation gown ( which is low-key the only thing I’m excited
for )
And for y’all passing their BAC exam,
remember!! Work hard from now and never let stuff pile up and hit a hard wall
and freak out when it’s time! Be organized as much as you can because it
affects so many aspects that directly have to do with your studies ♥ best of luck babes...
Today’s topic is little bit
different. It actually has to do with me as an individual and I can’t describe
how happy I feel writing about this. I can call it an achievement but it’s not
the case and kind of the case and it’s seriously confusing. But as I am typing
these words I feel like I’ve done a great thing and I’m actually celebrating a
golden anniversary and I’m shaking lol!!
September 13th.2009
marks my very first day ever as a Hijabi and
Friday September 13th.2019 would eventually mark 10 YEARS OF
ME WEARING HIJAB TT!!!
How crazy is that I MeAn dUdE
TT!!
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The experience of me being a
Hijabi for literally 10 years of my life has added up a lot to me as a person
and I literally have gone through a lot with that scarf on my head which added
a certain taste to everything I’ve done ever since!! And I really wanted to
take some time to perceive how this time went by and actually look back at
everything with a light head and look up to the future.
Storytime!! The first day of
me wearing hijab was actually a very happy day of mine. I was 11 years old and
my parents were super supportive and they happily welcome the idea of me
wearing hijab. I was the one to ask my parents for that and they were like:
wait until the next school comeback and I seriously couldn’t wait. I’m not
gonna lie but I decided to wear hijab back in the day because it somehow
covered up all of my insecurities. I was very nerd looking and all I did with
my hair was braiding it without adding up any accessories or head bands or
funky shapes or anything! I was at the big gate of puberty and it somehow made
me feel more feminine. The idea was really appealing and somehow satisfying
just thinking about it!! I went ahead and wore the exact same clothes my mom
would wear because I looked up at her in everything. My mom used to receive
love and respect from everyone and I low-key wanted to get treated in the same
way. That was the way I used to feel and this mentality accompanied me for
years actually. Despite moving houses and meeting new people who weren’t really
nice to me regarding my appearance WHATSOEVER!! I’ve been called names for what
I thought would bring me respect and grace. The shape of my body wasn’t doing
me justice and I seriously hated the situation but I didn’t hate myself as a
person just YET. I graduated middle school and moved to high school and it
wasn’t really super different on when it came to body shaming but it wasn’t as
harsh since people were somehow more of “grownups” (EYEROLL).
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My time at high school as a Hijabi
wasn’t the best but it wasn’t very bad either. At that time I really didn’t
know how to feel about myself if I’m being honest. I was actually having my
most glorious days and that somehow covered up everything else. I used to score
the best grades and I’ve been the first student in my stream for three
consecutive years which HEY (dusts off her shoulders)!!
I gained weight in that period
of time just because I have been VERY consumed with studies but that didn’t
stop me from wearing what I wanted or enjoying my time with my hijab! And I
continued living that way until I graduated high school and that’s when things
started going down the hill.
My weight disorder didn’t seem
to find its ending but rather its peak! My freshman year was a living hell
because it was when I actually started feeling hatred towards my own body. All I
wore was black large pants and black wool jackets and very dark scarves to kind
of make up for that huge double chin. I seriously hated what I looked like and
I used to compare myself a lot with EVERYONE and anyone! I thought very low of
myself and literally saw nothing cool with my appearance and that’s when I got
super vulnerable. But it somehow didn’t get to affect my grades because whether
I ignore or not and up till now: I still have it nerds blood in my veins and I
wanna do good at school and keep a clean image though. Going through my second
year at uni and 8th as a Hijabi, all I needed was attention. I
wanted to be appreciated for why I was with all my flaws and imperfections and
I deep down knew that any positive word said to me is gonna be out of pity. And
that conviction ran deep in me that I didn’t really feel pretty or beautiful or
smart or anything. Now that I look at what I used to do back in 2016 and 2017
I’m like: damn that girl is really smart! But back then it wasn’t the case at
all. I started falling in love with poetry and I wrote A LOT of poems that I
just tore at a moment of me feeling super useless and just sat in the corner of
my bed and balled my eyes out.
________________________________________
It’s really strange how I am
relating to my own life as a Hijabi. I don’t know if this would sound relatable
to you or not but to me, I think that this small element about me changed a lot
about the way I grew up through all of that.
Now on to 2018... A year that
has been really revolutionary. I seriously thank God everyday for that epiphany
and I can’t be happier and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. It was the
time when I somehow understood that I should actually love myself and
appreciate myself for what I really was. I knew somehow that under all those
layers of fats lays a beautiful woman with a sexy brain (Namjoon is sighing in
the corner but_ ) I knew that the only thing standing in my way is my low self
esteem and that it was time to do something about it before sinking and calling
it a waste. Which wasn’t definitely an option. My weight loss transformation
made me embrace the fact that I was a Hijabi even harder. It somehow made me
feel super special. I felt like I had something valid holding my back. Now I
think it’s just the psychological effect of it and how of a great mental push
forward it was. I have invested a lot of
time on becoming a better me and I thankfully got somewhere I am very happy
with. I surely am still working hard on improving myself in many fields and I
can already see a huge change and it’s all thanks to God. I feel it every day
actually. It’s just that feeling that you are being given things with huge love
and it just makes me feel super grateful and I can’t thank god enough for that
honestly.
And now as 2019 is basically
coming to an end. I can’t really explain how happy and blessed I feel. It’s
seriously beyond words and verbal expressions. I feel like it’s there in my
heart and it’s already very deep under my skin.
_______________________________________
Hijab to me is something that has been with me
through everything ever since I started experiencing things on my own in this
life. To me it is beyond fashion or a scarf on my head. It is actually
something that shaped me as a person. I
can’t possibly imagine myself without my hijab. It just would never sound like
me. The way I have grown to embrace myself and everything about me with hijab
in my life is really huge to me and I really feel proud to be that consistent
towards that very aspect of mine.
I am by no mean saying that
non hijabis don’t have relatable life stories. They must have experienced them
in another way that is special to them as individuals and it must have been
happening in a way that shaped them into the beautiful people they are! Everyone
in this life is growing into a beautiful person that is special in their own
way. Please don’t you ever compare yourself to others and lose faith in your
own potentials. You are seriously a draft of a very big project. In which you
are the manager and the CEO and every fancy title you want to give. Never let
the keys of your own life in the hands of anyone as anyone may be reckless at a
certain point. At the end of the day, if you mess up your own thing, you’ll
learn to respect it more. Crying over your own failures will be nothing but a
signal that you’re growing into a more mature person.
_____________________________________
I guess I said everything
regarding this sort of anniversary and it’s really coming out of my heart and I
want everyone to feel relatable…like seriously (puppy eyes).
And that’s A WRAP!!! I hope to
see you beautiful people in my next one and until then: stay healthy and hydrated!!
(Winks)
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